I want Jesus Again

I started this blog to just write down the things that I feel God putting on my heart.

Recently, I've definitely been feeling that I'm not where I want or need to be with my relationship with God. Growing up in a Christian home, it was so easy to feel that my parents were kind of a crutch. If I just went to church like they said I would be fine.. Then I joined Pebbles and I feel like that was one of the first times I really experienced God for the first time. Serving Him was my PASSION. I loved it; that those little kids looked up to me for the example of how we are to worship our heavenly father.. :) That lasted almost 8 years. Then just like that I found myself married and being taken away from that place I grew up in.. that sanctuary that I felt so comfortable in because I knew God was using me there. And I went to his church; don't get me wrong, I feel like God is moving there, but I felt so disconnected and decided to put on this face. My friend just recently made me realize that since my husband, Ryan, left to join the AirForce, the only reason I keep going to his church is because of family obligations. I felt, well still feel a little, obligated to go so that Ryan's family will still feel alright with me as a person. That they SEE me going to church and therefore they won't hate me. But my life, MY relationship with God, isn't ABOUT them OR my parents/siblings.. It's about me. And what I want, what I desperately desire is to get back to that place where I felt, breathed, even ate (partook of His body) Jesus! He use to be my PASSION, DESIRE, WANT, NEED, EVERYTHING. And I can safely say that now I am back on the right path. I'm a different person, but the great thing is that He hasn't changed. He still loves me and sees me as His innocent little black girl, with the braids, jumping up and down on that worship stage.. for Him.

During devo this morning I felt God telling me this: "[Ruth] You WILL bring the father of your children BACK to Me." *shivers* I'm sorry God.. WHAT? I mean no pressure, but dang.. He really wants me to be and encourager and continue to pray for Ryan, because I know he isn't where he needs to be either. I have to help him. Not force him to do anything, but just love him and remind him that God loves him more than I do. And He's the only one that can fill that hole in his heart.

Lord, I want so desperately, to be close to You again. For You to hold me when I cry because I miss my husband so much. For You to cradle my unborn child in Your hands because I know there they will be the safest. I can't stop thinking about the prophecy that Aubrey gave to me from You. (Isaiah 40:3-5) That even though my child may be in the desert that they will cry out and lead others to You. That they will go to the places that are unpopular and where people aren't confident in themselves and just love on them; that they would be an encourager. I am holding onto this promise..

Can't wait to see where you take me next.. Hold my hand, please, and don't let go. <3